I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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