apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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