no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize