But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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