I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
