Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
