Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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