Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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