john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
