I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You made out with two different species that night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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