I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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