I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
