it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
