You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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