nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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