i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
