She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
