bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize