My nipple is on Facebook.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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