My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
