I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
