bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
