I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
