I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
