I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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