yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
false alarm. still invincible.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
