I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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