god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
