Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
farters have to be the big spoon...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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