I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
