Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Vodka?
Forever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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