I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
