What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize