the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
