woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
