Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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