you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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