She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
