when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
