i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
