I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
