hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
