Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
