Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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