There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
