then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
