Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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