You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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