my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My vagina just clenched in fear
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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