Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
