If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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