BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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