you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
