so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your dad touched me again.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
