You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
