Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
