Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
