I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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