i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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