i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
