I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
