The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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