Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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