There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
